


Face towards the Sun

by snowynight



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Episode: s02e05 Amok Time, First Time, M/M, Mistaken for Being in a Relationship, Oblivious, Temporary Amnesia, Undercover as a Couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2016-11-21
Packaged: 2018-09-01 07:15:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8614639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowynight/pseuds/snowynight
Summary: Spock loses his memory in a mission, falls in love with Jim and forgets about it again, but their bond endures through loss and hurt.





	

“Do you remember anything?” Jim asked, his eyes tense and his hands were held tight in fists.

Spock woke up with no memory of his past a week ago, a result of a hiking accident, and Jim asked this question every day, hovered over him,and insisted that he took it easy, even though Spock was cleared and discharged from the hospital by the doctors. Spock sensed that Jim was worried about something else too, but he sidestepped Spock’s concern and insisted that everything was fine when Spock asked.

“Not yet,” Spock said, wishing that he could remember. What was he like before the accident? What was the latest project he was devoted to? How did he meet Jim? How did they start their relationship? It was unsettling to be unable to answer these questions.. He caught Jim’s right hand and brushed over it, trying to soothe the anxiety he also sensed from Jim.

Jim tensed up at first, but soon leaned into his touch, and asked, “I plan to read a book and make lunch for us. What about you?”

“I will continue to study the plants I found outside yesterday.” Spock said, “Then I will return for lunch.”

“Always a scientist,” Jim smiled. “Do you want a companion? I can…”

“The weather outside is too hot for you to be comfortable. I will return at the usual time for lunch.”

“Alright. See you later.”

Spock saw a purple flower on his trip outside, which shape looked similar to an insect it attracted. This form of mimicry to attract pollinator was interesting, so he took reading, collected specimen, and recorded his observation.

He met no one on the path, and was grateful. Jim hovered by his side since he woke up in the hospital, and while he appreciated it, they both needed time alone with themselves.

The trees around the path were tall and covered every space they could for sunlight, so it was easy to walk on the path. The shuffling of leaves resonated with the wind, and Spock found a spot for meditation.

Focusing on the nature, he scrutinize his every feeling and thought and control them. The more mundane thoughts and sensation came up first, like his wonder about the plant’s behaviour, which easily submerged, but his focus as always returned to a pair of worried hazel eyes, and a thin thread tying him to Jim.

As Spock had told Jim, it was obvious that they were mates. Jim could read his smallest expression. He could complete Jim’s sentence and see through his seemingly relaxed behaviour, and they had no personal space between each other to speak of.. Even without the the link anchored deep in their katra, The warmth and concern he felt about Jim, which was reciprocated in Jim’s careful care, would prove this beyond doubt.

In order to trigger his memory, Spock had research himself on the interweb. There were some photos that were clearly taken with them unaware, and the way Jim look under his long eyelashes and smiled was downright flirting, as were his own softened eyes and unguarded face. The news reports of their previous mission allowed him to appreciate Jim’s ingenuity and heroism, and caused him to love him more.

* * *

 

After meditation, Spock returned for lunch with Jim with lightened steps. He softened his eyes when he saw Jim reading under a tree near their house. The wind was strong, and messed up Jim’s hair. Spock quietly entered the house to pick up a coat and put it on Jim, saying, "You should take more care of yourself. "

Jim turned towards him with widened eyes. Then he relaxed and smiled. "How's your afternoon? "

"I studied a local plant. Tomorrow I will go for another field trip. " Spock said, “How about you?”

"Nancy invited us to a reading tonight. Are you interested? " Jim said, leading Spock to the dining table. "I hope you like salad and bread like last time. Turn out I didn’t have so much ingredient as I thought. "

"It will be adequate."

Jim’s smile rivalled the sun, and Spock hoped to see more of them. "I surely hope the bread tasted more than adequate. "

Spock softened his eyes and reached out for Jim's right hand. "I appreciate your effort. "

"You're such a charmer, " Jim held Spock's hand back, but now his smile got tense. "Let me bring the dish to the table. Be right back." When Spock offered to help, he said, “No, mister. I can handle several dishes.”

Spock set the table and they sat around the table. The bread was crispy and tasted good serving with honey and strawberry jam, and Jim’s eyes lightened up when Spock complimented the tofu salad with spicy peanut dressing. Spock enjoyed the comfortable quietness between them during the meal, and after they finished and Spock cleaned up the dishes, Spock sat by Jim and asked, “How’s your book?”

“It’s surprisingly deep as a kid’s book, and I really like the scene that the girl collected all the letters she found together…”

Spock listened, and drawn into Jim’s words. Jim’s warmth radiated from their touching shoulders and knees, and he enjoyed how Jim leaned into him.

The night they attended Nancy’s reading night, as it was logical to maintain good relationship with helpful and friendly neighbours. Spock admitted to his main reason when he saw how Jim seamlessly mingled with the crowd, asked about one’s pet plant, got another to giggle with a joke, beaming with joy and laughter. Jim belonged to people, and he wanted him to be happy.

During the reading night, everyone read aloud a passage from any books they chose, Spock chose a passage about spider behaviour from an old Earth book, which both Jim and he enjoyed, and Jim read a poem with a slow and steady voice:

“My love reveals objects /

silken butterflies /

concealed in his fingers /

his words/

splash me with stars…”

Back at home Spock said to Jim, “The poem is illogical. Neither humans nor Vulcans have butterflies in their fingers.”

Jim laughed as Spock knew he would. He tilted his head towards Spock and replied. “But your words do splash me with stars.”

“Most illogical,” Spock said with quirked lips, and pressed a kiss on Jim.

* * *

 

Spock focused a large part of time everyday to recover his memory, but they remained elusive, glimpses of images without contexts, threads of thought broken from a web. Jim held his hand and told him that he would find it back one day, but the tensed lines on his face betrayed his worry. If the memory loss was permanent, Spock would have to leave the fleet, and forced Jim to make a choice between him and his beloved ship. _Kadith,_ he could not control the future _,_ but the growing shade in Jim’s smile broke his heart, and he wished to soothe some of them.

With the plan made Spock collected pieces of smooth sharp stones on his field trips to work on, keeping his work from Jim’s eyes by hiding it in the attic before it was finished.

"Thank you, Spock. " Jim said, widened his eyes when Spock presented him the gift. He took it with both hands and softly caressed the script inscribed on it. “It’s beautiful, but what does the script mean? They looked like Vulcan, but I only know the basic words.

Spock’s heartbeat quickened when he watched Jim’s hands. "This is a token for my feeling towards you. Rocks in Vulcan symbolized steadiness, and the inscription came from a Pre-Reform poem. “Shall you ever touch the stone / you will find the words that bind us / like a fire that burns forever.”

Jim held it tightly, his eyes wet. "I don't know what to say. "

"Keep it as rightfully yours. Please be reassured that my heart will always stay true to you, “

Spock caught Jim when he threw his arms around him, his face pressed hard against his chest. He rubbed Jim’s back when Jim shivered against him, with the conviction to keep his words.

* * *

 

“You remember nothing of the mission,” Jim spoke slowly, and for a moment turned away from Spock.

“Regrettably,” Spock said. “I apologize for being unable to fulfil my duty in the mission.”

“You got hurt saving me, and if anyone should have apologized, it would be me.”

“It is illogical to assign blame to yourself.”

“You too. As far as I and the command concern, the mission is a success, and I don’t want you to feel guilty about anything.”

“Did I… compromise myself during the mission?” Spock asked. Jim was in undue risk going undercover burdened by an amnesiac partner, and he wished to minimize the damage.

Jim looked as if he were struck, but he quickly smoothed his expression into calm assurance. “As always, your conduct was spotless during the mission. You needn’t worry.”

Before Spock could ask more, Jim answered the com and it was Doctor McCoy, yelling for them to go to the sickbay.

“It’s wise to go now, or Bones will kill us,” Jim said and led Spock out of his quarter.

“The doctor was prone to emotional outburst, but his oath should help him suppress his murderous urge,” Spock remarked, and Jim smiled back, but his smile was dimmer than the past.

When Spock was finally released, he noticed Jim kept an extra step between each other and felt a strange disappointment.

 

* * *

 

Spock mediated to find out the source of his uneasiness. His mind immediately came to Jim, his captain and friend..

_Jim doesn't touch me like before._

As a very tactile human, Jim used to shower him with physical contact: a hand on the shoulder, a pat on his back and hands brushing, and Spock basked in his high regard, but now several times Jim held up a hand as if to reach for him, but returned as if chastised, and his eyes grew distant for a moment.

_He spends less private time with me._

The chess games grew less frequent, so were the dinners, and the quality of their time together changed in a way that was hard to define. The usual spark was missing, and Jim’s shield against him got higher, sturdier. Spock missed Jim’s mind brushing against his like a hungry man craved his food.

 _Why does it bother me so much?_ Spock failed to find an answer.

_“You traitorous, disloyal, you stab me in the back the first chance you get? Spock. Get out. I never want to have to look at you again.”_

After their recovery, Jim apologized for his words and looked so broken that Spock reassured him that he forgave him, and he did. The words hurt, but the way Jim looked so fragile and much in pain when saying that hurt him more. He failed to be at Jim’s side, so he could understand where the words came from.

If his mind told him that he failed more than that, it must be his Vulcan half speaking, that stressed fealty and loyalty above everything.

* * *

 

His hand shook. He hated himself for his loss of control, and hated himself more for the hatred that a Vulcan was not supposed to feel. He had to hide his hands behind his back when he talked with Jim, crushing the stylus to stop himself from… reaching beyond? Striking? His mind was too fevered for coherent thought, and felt only relief when Jim said, “I haven't heard a word you've said, and I'll get you to Vulcan somehow.”

Jim stayed with him as much as he could to care for and monitor him. Spock was grateful for his discretion, as it would be beyond shameful to expose this to any other person on the ship . Curiously, Spock almost regained coherency when Jim was with him. He invited Jim to his wedding because he was his brother, and only then he noticed the doctor and extended the invitation.

When the fire extinguished, Spock saw Jim’s lifeless body strangled by him. He released the lash. He murdered Jim, and his life would end with his.

“Let’s mind the store,” Jim said when he got them free from the sick bay. He smiled at him and said, “It means you taking a medical leave today. I know it’s harsh to you.”

Spock nodded, not believing his words. He meditated, with his throat constricted by guilt. He killed his friend today.

He would not let himself be a threat to Jim again.

A Vulcan male who failed to bond after his time was known to be dangerous, so he dived further. , to estimate his mental status. Surprised by how stable his mind was, he went deeper, further, and found -

A golden thread was knotted with the silver of himself, with the gold dancing around him. Even before reaching for the other end of the link, he knew who it would lead to: Jim. It was Jim.

He also understood why his time arrived now. T’Pring’s proposed challenge and their distance had weakened their bond to the brink of collapse, but when both Spock and Jim underwent the ordeal, the perceived threat to the only stable link his mind had triggered his biological instinct.

He wanted to laugh again, but this time for irony. He found the finest mate who he nearly strangled to death, and for what?

 _Kadith_. He would honour this finest gift by reaching for Jim, but if it was now forever beyond his reach, he would let it go despite his pain.

* * *

 

Human courtship was complicated, with games, words with double meaning and rituals with no obvious rationale. Based on his research, He loosened his control of expression around Jim to an almost smile, getting close to the limit of propriety, showed his care more explicitly, gestures loud as a scream to a Vulcan, but apparently way not enough to a human. After another chess game that he brushed Jim’s hand when they reached for chess pieces and Jim amicably waved him goodbye at the end, he analyzed his previous failure and reached a conclusion.

Jim didn’t notice because they were already too close. They spent an average of twelve hours together a day, and met each other in their quarters almost every day if their duties allowed. Spock would disclose secret and taboo to only Jim , and he was among the selected few Jim would lean on for emotional security. Whatever measures he took would be too subtle compared to their usual intimacy, ending in another failure.

Spock took a long breath and realized what he should do.

He would declare his intention to Jim, openly and directly, and let Jim judge his merit. It was risky and frightening to expose himself, but Jim deserved his honesty.

Spock invited Jim to his quarter for a meal together, straightening his already creaseless shirt again before Jim arrived. Jim took extra serving of melty mushroom wellingtons, licking his fork in a way that quickened Spock’s heartbeat and said, “The food’s awesome. You must have taken a lot of trouble for that.”

“It’s no trouble if you enjoy it.”

“Enjoy it? Of course I do! I have never had so tasty mushroom before.” Jim took another heap into his mouth, swallowed it and asked, “What’s the occasion for this?”

With his every muscle tensed for a fight, Spock said, “I would like to make a confession to you.” When he noticed Jim straightening his back and his eyes now professional, he added, “A personal one.”

Jim put down his fork, his face turning pale, but he kept his voice steady and looked straight at Spock. “I’m listening.”

“I would like to declare my romantic intention to you. I will understand and respect your decision in any case, and I shall remain as yours.” Spock said, waiting for Jim’s judgment.

Jim looked as if he were struck by a lightning. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but nothing came out. Then he said, “You’re in love with me.”

“Yes, and I will be grateful for however time you grant me.”

“After everything we have had, you want to commit to me.”

“Yes.”

Jim broke into laughter, and Spock pat his back when he coughed. “Is it supposed to be a dream?”

“No, unless we are both dreaming.”

“I don’t know what the future have in us ahead, but if you’re willing to do despite everything, who am I to say no to the best thing in my life?” Jim’s laughter died down and his face softened, but somehow Spock felt that Jim was alluded to something he should have understood, but didn’t.

“I am honoured to have you in my life,” Spock said, holding Jim’s hand in his own. It was only a beginning, and they had a lot of things to discuss, such the previously unknown link and how their duty balanced their new relationship, but Spock was thankful for having Jim in his life.

* * *

 

After a difficult mission in a rocky mountain, Spock collected perfect materials, sculpted a stone and inscribe his devotion on it. Everyday after the start of his romantic relationship with Jim was a valuable gift, and although he could not shower Jim with verbal expression of his love and regard, he still wanted to do something in return. He felt a heavy load in his throat when Jim turned pale at his gift. “Is it too forward? I can…”

Jim broke into a smile that brightened the whole room, no longer with shadow or shade, and received it with both hands. “Thank you,” He winked rapidly and said, “I love you. My feeling will hold true for you as always.”

“So do I,” Spock answered, his throat lightened, and caught Jim in his arms.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. “My love reveals objects..." is the first and second stanza of My Love Reveals Objects by Isabel Fraire  
> 2\. The inscription comes from modified lines of Stone Love (for Tracey Emin by Carol Ann Duffy: http://www.newstatesman.com/culture/poetry/2016/06/stone-love-tracey-emin-poem-carol-ann-duffy  
> 3\. Some dialogues are taken from The Deadly Years and Amok Times


End file.
